The Night of the Jungle Party

claustrophobic

Relating to or suffering from claustrophobia.

Uncomfortably closed or hemmed in.

Usage Problem Tending to induce claustrophobia; uncomfortably confined or crowded: a claustrophobic little room.

anxiety
A state of uneasiness and apprehension, as about future uncertainties.

A cause of anxiety: For some people, air travel is a real anxiety.

Psychiatry A state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from the anticipation of a realistic or fantasized threatening event or situation, often impairing physical and psychological functioning.I have thought about it, recently...and i have thought about it before in the past.

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Last night there was eagerly anticipated Jungle Party. I was excited about this and was for a while, until it came to the actual party evening.
In the past i wasn't to overly worried about these parties...but this one i knew would be very different, and the obvious factor is that i was not with Gerard as my partner.
Previously in the past i have always had him to go up to and hug and hold and just cuddle up to him and i knew that i was safe and everything was going to be ok no matter what happened. Mind you nothing in the past has drastically happened but it was nice for him to just be there when i needed him, which was a regular thing. But this night, (i had rang Gerard earlier in the day and let him know) Gerard had told me that he would still be there for me, he would walk me home like he used to in the days of old before we were partners and what not. I said ok and although still feeling uneasy about it all i ended up going.

This is where the definitions come in.

There have been certain times in the past especially at Scott's house where i have felt claustrophobic and have had very minor anxiety attacks. I remember one time i just wanted to get up and leave, for no apparent reason to anyone else i just stood up and let a couple of people know i was leaving, there was just to much happening around me and in my head i was screaming to go so i did without hesitation. Another time when is when we were both leaving and there in his hallway and kitchen i just could not move literally (Ihate that hallway!), i was holding Gerard's hand which made me feel oh so much better and safe.

Last night there were quite a few people there, i think the usual amount plus a few more for one of Scott's major parties. I tried saying to myself the time i was there that i was going to be ok. When i first arrived i tried to mingle about said hi to everyone like i usually do...when i got to the lounge room i plonked myself down on the couch...in the corner no less, (bad luke bad! *slaps hand*) worst thing i could do especially with something that i could hug, that being the monkey, as me hugging something incessantly in scenarios like that (also pillows are like that too) means although im not totally comfortable i still enjoy looking around and viewing the area. But then more people came around me in the lounge room...towering over me sometimes...and also just watching everyone drink...people said i should have more, but in the state i was in i thought it best not to...would have made it worse. Also the noise level of people and the music, it was getting way to much for me...also watching Gerard go about and just being himself and more with everyone else...yeah. I decided to get out downstairs fresh air...well as fresh as it can be with the smokers down there...so that being the case i went for a walk. I didn't come back...i couldn't. I didn't want to go back there. My night was over, i was fine with that...i didn't say goodbye to anyone at the party though except for most likely Geoff. Sorry about that.

I enjoyed the party while i was there, don't get me wrong. But i just wasn't ready for it...ready to be there as a single guy. I was just very uneasy about certain things and with so many people, i was crowded.

The definitions i gave, they are somewhat, i think i suffer from, not majorly mind you but in minor details.

Or i could be just carzy :-D

Cheers

Luke